When I Found Out My 11-Year-Old Was Self-Harming: What I’ve Learned, and What Might Help You
- Sally Panks
- Jul 1
- 2 min read
When I Found Out My 11-Year-Old Was Self-Harming: What I’ve Learned, and What Might Help You
When I first discovered that my 11-year-old daughter was self-harming, I felt like the floor had been ripped out from under me. My first emotion was shock, quickly followed by fear and a deep, painful sense that I had failed her somehow. I kept asking myself: How did I not see this coming? What did I miss? What do I do now?
If you’re reading this because you’re in that place right now, please take a breath. You are not alone, and you are not a bad parent.
What Helped Navigate This
🌱 Staying calm (even when you don’t feel it inside).
The instinct is to panic or demand answers. But realise that what they need most is to feel safe telling you what was going on. Simply say, “I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I love you. We’ll get through this together.”
🌱 Listened before trying to fix.
Ask gentle questions like, “Can you help me understand how you’re feeling?” or “When do you feel like hurting yourself?” And then let them talk without interrupting.
🌱 Get professional support.
Contacted your GP or a mental health service. It may be hard at first, but don’t feel guilty, like you should be able to handle this yourself. But self-harm is a signal of deep emotional pain, and expert help really does make a difference.
🌱 Reminded yourself: This isn’t about me.
Self-harm isn’t a reflection of bad parenting. It’s a coping mechanism for overwhelming feelings. My job wasn’t to “fix” them, it was to walk beside them, offering love, patience, and support.
If You’re Facing This Too
❤️ Stay calm. Your child needs to feel safe, not ashamed.
❤️ Reassure them that you love them, no matter what.
❤️ Listen more than you talk.
❤️ Get help, from your GP, school, or a mental health professional.
❤️ Take care of yourself, too. Supporting your child is easier when you’re supported as well.
✨ You didn’t cause this. But you can be a huge part of the healing. You’ve got this, one step at a time.
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