What do I do if my child is self-harming?

Discovering that your child is self-harming can be overwhelming and confusing. You might feel helpless or unsure about how to support them. Understanding why young people self-harm and knowing how to respond can make a significant difference in helping your child find healthier ways to cope. This post will guide you through the reasons behind self-harm, practical steps to support your child, and useful resources to assist you both on this journey.

Why do young people self-harm?

Self-harm is often misunderstood. It is not about seeking attention or being rebellious. Instead, it is usually a way for young people to manage intense emotions or situations they find hard to express. Here are some common reasons:

• Emotional regulation

When feelings like anxiety, sadness, or anger become overwhelming, physical pain can feel easier to handle than emotional pain. Self-harm may provide a temporary sense of relief or a way to feel something when feeling numb.

• Expressing inner struggles

Some young people find it difficult to talk about their feelings. Self-harm can be a way to show others that they are hurting inside, even if they cannot put it into words.

• Seeking control

Life can feel unpredictable and stressful. Self-harm might give a sense of control over their body and pain, which can feel empowering when other parts of life seem out of control.

• Influence from peers or online

Exposure to self-harm through friends or social media can sometimes normalize the behaviour, leading others to try it as a coping method.

• Past trauma or abuse

Experiences of trauma or abuse can lead to self-harming as a way to cope with difficult memories or feelings.

Understanding these reasons helps you approach your child with empathy and patience rather than judgment.

You are not a bad parent.

How can I support my child if they are self-harming?

Supporting a child who self-harms requires care, understanding, and practical steps. Here are ways to help:

Listen without judgment

Create a safe space where your child feels comfortable sharing. Avoid reacting with anger or shock. Instead, say things like:

• “I’m here for you.”

• “Thank you for telling me.”

• “I want to understand how you’re feeling.”

  
  

This shows your child that they are not alone and that their feelings matter.

Your child may not wish to tell you the reasons or they may not know how to verbalise them or they may not even know how they are feeling inside, but showing them you are there, you won't judge them or get angry will help them immensely.

Encourage healthier coping strategies

Help your child find alternatives to self-harm that can relieve emotional pain. Some ideas include:

• Using distraction kits with items like stress balls, colouring pens, or fidget toys

• Practicing deep breathing or mindfulness exercises

• Writing in a journal to express feelings

• Engaging in physical activities like walking or yoga

  
  

These tools can provide comfort and reduce the urge to self-harm.

Seek professional help

Self-harm often signals deeper emotional challenges. A mental health professional can offer therapy tailored to your child’s needs. Therapies like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) have helped many young people develop healthier coping skills.

Monitor without invading privacy

It’s important to keep an eye on your child’s wellbeing but respect their need for privacy. Check in regularly about how they are feeling, but avoid constant questioning that might feel intrusive.

Build a supportive environment

Encourage open communication within your family. Reduce stressors where possible, such as academic pressure or conflicts at home. Celebrate your child’s strengths and achievements to boost their self-esteem.

What resources can help?

One practical tool is the S&L Self-Harm Distraction Kit. These kits include items designed to redirect the urge to self-harm into safer activities. They can be a helpful part of your child’s coping toolbox. They are also a really helpful conversation starter, to go through the kits together and discuss each item and how they van help.

Additionally, many organisations offer support for families dealing with self-harm:

• Child and adolescent mental health services (CAMHS)

• Local counselling centres

• Helplines such as Childline or Samaritans

• Charities and organisations such as Rightlines UK and Calm Harm

  
  

Connecting with these resources can provide guidance and relief for both you and your child.

Moving forward with hope and care

Supporting a child who self-harms is challenging but possible. By understanding why they self-harm, listening with compassion, encouraging healthier coping methods, and seeking professional help, you can help your child navigate their emotions safely. Remember, your support and words can make a lasting difference in their healing journey.

If you are worried about your child’s safety or the self-harm is severe, go to A&E or call 999.

You are not alone in this, and help is available.